My calm sky

I am sorry. Doei

2005-10-31T19:58:00.000+01:00

8.9.2005 I found a person who I can tell my feelings. A person who maybe never will be a girlfriend maybe never a only friend. Just found a person who I trust and I can tell anything. That is what makes this blog obsolete now. Sorry for that but I just used it like a place to let everything go but now I don't need it. Maybe one day I will need it again but now I don't care. My feelings are just pointed to another place to a place where I get a answer and help directly. I thank everybody who posted coments it was a real pleasure for me to read them. They helped a lot of times. Especialy from Roanne and Ara.

Last thought of a empty space in my head.
Ik will je niet meer, ik denk niet meer op jau,
jij ben egaal voor mij. Dus je hebt mij viel gegeven.
Ik dankt dier toch ik will niet meer van jau vissen.

And no thought left and no memory came back. I was not dependent from her.
You are gone and I just don't care anymore.
I am healed and hope you too.

moin

2005-09-03T12:31:00.000+02:00

So it looked pretty bad last days.
But I think only looked.
I managed to do the moving really fast so no problem with that. A colleague helped me with that. So that is great.
The woman in the new house is pretty fine. She even makes tea in the morning.
This is my room:

Yes I have 2 beds :).
Using one for reading and watching movies on my laptop. Since it is good to separate the sleeping and "other activities" areas.
I still don't have a internet connection over there because I didn't want to do it too fast. But probably next week I will order a internet connection over the cable.
It is the easyes wait without getting holes in the walls and so because the cable is already there.
The most nices thing in the flat is this:

It is pretty big. And so relaxing. That is why I need.
All in all the flat is pretty silent and hmm feels like home - if you know what I mean.

I still had fun walking in the rain and making pics maybe there.

When I showed this pictures to a friend he told that he would get scared if he would meet me outside. Hm probably yes. I look like a dressed up beat up guy but I just like to walk in the rain but don't want that I get all wet. YES AND I HATE UMBRELLAS :).

And to hell with it when people fear me outside. When I come to work I just change to a nice little worker.

And guess what - maybe I even become a manager.
Yes - my manager even scheduled project management training.
Why should I leave things to do to other people when I can do it my self ?

In some situations I get so mad that something isn't done right.
Of course only mad in my head. I am not a screaming asshole or something.
People who get their anger out by smashing things are just bunch of losers.

I seen a page lately. With advertisements.
Really straight forward advertisements.
One was about that every fifth woman gets beaten up by her boyfriend.
I was like - WTF ?
The person who you should trust the most beats you up...
That is just sick. Why do these guys just do it ?
Do they have to power up their ego by beating up (sometimes) weaker woman ?
Go straight to hell idiots:

And another thing I found out this week.
I understood how to use a LCD of a laptop.

Yes this is for real. A higher assistant had this on her laptop like this.
So she knows how to organize her desk - that is for sure.

Dam I became a pretty bad workoholic.
I don't out so much as I used to.
I don't see a point in it anymore.
I see a point in work and when I see a point somewhere I just want to do it.

And I think I just seek for someone with who I could share my day (work day that is).
If I would go out with people I would again just talk about work. Then I find out that it is totally boring for them and again a stupid evening.

Better not anymore.

Nerds probably can't speak normal. So I am probably a real work nerd.

You think your life is fast ? Think again !

2005-08-29T18:27:00.000+02:00

Everybody can tell their story about fast life and everything.
So here is mine:

Like told in my last post I should go to Scotland (JUPIII). As you seen I am really happy about it. Until today. We should get tickets and everything prepared. Then on of the people I should go with tells me sad news. His ex is maybe pregnant. But he doesn't know. So he has to wait until she tells it for sure. Until then he can't tell 100% if he can come. Dam this has to happen now - to me.
Ok so not fast enough ? Sure, lets continue:
As I came to work a colleague tells me that he found a person like a replacement to my room. The only catch is that I would have to move out until 1.9. - great he ?
So lets prepare checklist:
1. Monday - prepare the contract for the switching of the names (mine and the new guys)
2. Monday - start to pack
3. Tuesday - bring first things to the new flat (maybe sleep there ?)
4. Tuesday - buy a monthly card for the public transport
5. Wednesday - bring last things - sign the new contract
6. Thursday - are we there yet ? - order internet to the new flat.

So wow this looks so easy when it is on the paper.
So lets make it little bit harder:
In work we start to implement a security policy on our servers.
What does this mean for us ? 56 000 errors on 170 servers - should be fixed asap.
I hate asap.
I think a evil manager invented asap.
Then I have to undersign a work sheet and write down my holiday.
Great.

There are for sure more things I forgot.
At least I wrote things here - I will at least remember them so.

Dam I am tired.

In hope of the day when I feel satisfied,
in hope of the day when I will be empty,
empty inside - that is what fills me,
with the hope of tomorrow.

2005-08-26T22:42:00.000+02:00

I forget a lot of things these days.
I forget everything what I don't have marked somewhere with a reminder.
I don't like that.

I was searching for a new living place these days.
A friend of my offered me a place. Really nice really cheap.
But there is a problem I would live with a woman (older one). But usually she is not home. So that is a benefit.

I really don't know if I should move.
There is one problem. I became the team lead of my team.
One of the team members is a hm lazy kind of guy. He just wants to chat - write mails - he comes late. And guess what ? He lives with me now.
I don't want to live with him. Then he would take advantage of it and try to make stupid excuses.

But on the other hand - it is a nice place to live.
Should I do it or not ?

The decision will come down these days.

Other decisions came also - I will stay 2 days in Edinburgh then we go for 4 days in some off road / off civilization house in middle of Scotland and after this we want to stay 2 days in Glasgow.

Really nice plan. I want to stay off civilization for a while.
Just want to switch off all electronics and don't think about servers, tape library's, standards of security.

I hope to find something in Scotland. Don't know what. But I feel something.

Maybe my hearth stops hurt.
Maybe I fill out the gap in my soul.

Scotland time !!!

2005-08-22T22:40:00.000+02:00

Jupiiiiiiii,
from 8 - 16.8.2005 I will be on holiday in Scotland !!
I still can't believe I managed to get the holiday. And I go there with my favorite ex-colleagues. Dam I am happy now.
It will cost a hell lot of money but it is worth it !
So fly to London from there to Edinburgh.
After this we have yet no plan (it is pretty early to tell that now).
We go 3 together. And hope I have a lot of fun and can finally relax.

I always told that Scotland is my homeland. Yep weird but I was driven to the land since I was 12. And now a dream come true. :)

And I won't stop - next year I already plan a trip to china with my mom.
She has a dream to see the tea plantagues. And of course I also.

But that is a another story.

So for now what I have:
Holiday approval from managers.

What I need:
Plane tickets.
Hostel card.
Plan for the trip.
FUN FUN FUN !

:)))

I go to sleep - too excited.

Tired

2005-08-19T21:27:00.000+02:00

Wow pretty tired and wanted to do so much today.
I dint sleep so good - what should I say - full moon ?

After it there was a lot of work.
A server crashed and we had to bring it back on.

At least the German boss was happy and told that we are the best team.
Made me somehow proud but also somehow I knew it since all other suck.
I don't tell it because I would feel like something better. It is just that my team is full of people who have experience with the work what we do and the other teams just start. So we take over procedures pretty much faster then other teams.

After this rush morning we just went for lunch and as usual I went home at 15:00.
Since my train home goes at 15:49.

It was a long trip but a colleague joined me, so it was more nicer.

At home I went to have a nice dinner with my mom.
Somehow I admire her work. She is a really good manager (project manager) and she perfectly separates work and home life.
At home she is the mother who many people would like to have.
Cares for everything. She is just perfect.

On the other side at work she is the more precious worker.
She is working also for a big company and has more the 20 years of experience.
2 University degrees and she is making her doctor title (she is already finishing).

A good idol for my life..

Sometimes I wish I was really like her. But can't be so in everything.

I bring the angels down

2005-08-18T21:43:00.000+02:00

What a nice day.
What a nice day.
What a nice day.

A day full of suprises - actually nothing.
Ran home.

A friend called me we agreed to go to Scotland for a holiday.
That is what I am pretty happy about.
finally I go meet my imaginary home land.

I am not even to write this post to the end.
I just found out that someone who I liked pretty much has found someone.
Stupid childish behavior.
But why not ?

Full moon shining - again calling me.

Won't resist this time I guess.
Back to the roots of my "dark times?"
Probably.

Have so much energy in me I could crush a wall.

Stay calm...

Breathe.

Sleep and you see what the morning brings.

I know what it will bring.

Voices calling - no longer feel I shall.
Bring him to me that what she tells.
No longer be no longer you.

Pain that is there.
When the moon rises.
It turns to red, and covers the land.
Riders of darkness run over the land.

When the day comes,
when the incnocent won't stand by the forgotten,
what side will you should be ?
Will you be the forgotten ?

Feel

2005-08-17T20:58:00.000+02:00

Today it didn't rain,
but I wanted that it would.
I felt happy when it rains.

The air was full of water but there was no water.
I felt it - it was there.

Why could I not see it ?
I felt like it should have rained.

But then again I just didn't care about it because what could happen bad to me ?
It was a nice week and nothing should happen to me.

And actually it didn't.
I was kept safe in my bouble of safety and nobody could enter.
Why should they ?

But then again after a nice lunch a colleague was phoning home (to Spain).
He has got a ill father.
He is that kind of Spanish guy - little bit brown, dark hair, nice smile, great personality. That kind what you want for a friend and all girls want for their boyfriend.
He was not happy after his phone call.
As I am a standin for the team leader I felt like to know what the problem is. Because when there is something wrong in the family it can also harm the team.

"They don't give much time for my father, when they call me I have to go home."

Dam. Like, why ?
I just don't know why I felt so bad by this. I even don't care when a celebrity dies. Everybody tells - ow so bad he/she died he/she was a great man/woman. I just don't care - there are people going away every day - every hour. Why should I care ?

But by this I felt other.
Like someone who I know really close dies. (or in this situation - will die).

Does this world know only how to make pain - not happiness ?

There are many things I would like to blame on people / blame on everyone / blame on God. But I won't because I know there is something other.
There is something what I can't understand and maybe never will.

I don't have any answer why.

Why do we have feelings ?

Just stop...

Bum Bum Bum

2005-08-16T18:50:00.000+02:00

Ha I was right !
It will rain also today !
Nobody trusted me but I knew it.
But a disadvantage/advantage about this is that I got wet again. But I am loving it (why do I get the feeling that by using this sentence I could get some bad letter from a fastfood restaurant ? :D )
Put on shoes,
put on pants,
put on a coat,
put on headphones,
prepare to go outside.
Lights on,
music on,
work mind on.

I don't know why but I actually like this picture. And that doesn't happen often.
Maybe got ill from all the water ;).

I got weird thoughts today.
Depressive.
Had the feeling that I am the only one not communicating with girls around.
I don't know why I got this feelings.
Why now ?
I actually talk a lot with girls - but only "online". To talk directly - I am too shy. But dam depressive feelings - I have to fight such feelings. Don't want that they overwhelm me again - NEVER again.

Rain

2005-08-15T20:41:00.000+02:00

The door started to open,
slowly to not break the atmosphere.
The feeling when you come home,
after a long trip.
Just let the bag drop,
and you go down on the bed,
without undressing from the clothes.
Fell the blanket on your face,
the pillow rolls slowly down to your neck,
and you just feel - I want to stay so forever.

But come on on the feet - undress - go to bed.

5 minutes in bed and BAAAM,
the most natural and most beautiful thing in the world.
Thunder.
The light from the heaven.
After it just rain,
drops of water coming down.
The sound,
that is how I like to sleep.

CUT

Reality check.
7:00 am
Weaker
Dam it shut up.

Still raining.
Dam where could I find a umbrella ?

7:30 am
Eh stupid question - do they sell umbrellas in BILLA ?
Hmm maybe - but whatever.
I dress up pretty much.
And come outside.
First time that I don't listen to music when I go to work.
I go first to BILLA and want to find a umbrella.

But I get the feeling - why the should I take one ?
Rain is so beautiful.

Yeah I don't want one ! I go to the street and I will be wet and I will be happy.
And I was - I was singing. I was happy really happy.
WET AND HAPPY.

Dam it - I am too wet. But doesn't matter.

8:00 am
Work - Me - Wet
Everybody looking - me don't care :D

finally I was happy.
And just don't care about anything else.

From 8:00 till 16:50 - I just don't remember. Erased from head.
(Of course I remember but it is just not so important like the main feeling of today).

It has been a while.

2005-08-14T22:27:00.000+02:00

Hi there,
do you still remember me ?
Yes I am alive, like always.
Don't worry. I was just absent because of everything in my life.
I actually started to post on a another page. Why ? Easy answer: I wanted to impress someone and maybe seduce my ego. But dam it...
Don't worry I am not such depressed wrack so often as I used to.
I actually had fun - in Hamburg:

As I was there I still realized that my country and the country where I work are pretty behind the EU country's.

But I enjoyed it. And I don't care about people who tell that all Germans are stupid assholes - I actually like them. They have they way of life and it works pretty good.

As I was thinking a lot of times in work I thought about religion.
If I am a christian or a weird kind of magic worshipper or something else.
I didn't find any answer on this question. Yeah someone could tell that: "What ? How can't you know that ?".
I tried to believe in a good source of power who will help me in all bad.
But don't know just can't believe it 100% and can't refuse it 100%.
But maybe one positive thing:

I found Jesus 27 times.

But also found again the love of hard music:

But did actually something happen ? Something important ?
actually not :)

I am still a heck of weirdo who would do anything just to have fun, a heck of a weirdo who would transform from a hip party guy to a manager in 2 seconds.

And how is it with my feeling ?
Same shit as usual.
I fell in love.
DAM YOU PLATON !!!
Most hard thing it is to fell in love with a platonic love.
But I came over it last days. And just concentrate on work again. I pretty abanoned my social life in Brno. And the only social life what I have is in the weekends.
I am pretty happy about it now. But I also feel that I maybe should work less and maybe have some more fun time.
But maybe just don't wana. For now...

I will continue to write to my blog as usual from now on. No summary blogs but the everyday blogging time is back...

Hope you have fun.

I just hear that there is some rain coming - enjoy it with me... You are welcome to my party of feelings.

2005-05-26T18:24:00.000+02:00

I have did it ! I prove that fyzics are wrong. Yes really it is true. Many years of counting - telling that they are right. Until a guy comes and tells - You are wrong! Yes I did it.

TIME DOES NOT EXISTS ! It is just a illusion of the inner mind. It is just a halucination of the work driven world. There is nothing like time. We are live in a time separate cocoon. There is just you and nothing. Really nothing. We don't move at all. We are thoughts in the stream of life.

A neverending stream of electrons. Flowing to our destinations. But we actualy don't move at all. We stand still and we just *are*.

So don't you think we should finaly start moving backwords ? To the place where we were. And actualy never been ? To the place where we are now but we still are not ? To you to you and just to me ?

2005-05-26T07:58:00.000+02:00

Powered by oracle enegry drinks :). Someone told me that it is the best drink - right after oracle beer. I suppose he is right... :) Long live the new database.

2005-05-26T00:02:00.000+02:00

Just a update from today. A late night learning session.

My good beloved tshirt from the no software patents protests in Brussel and a had full of manuals. Tests are comming soon ! ||

2005-05-25T22:42:00.000+02:00

So this is the world. The world of never ending talking between friends.
Nice and friendly chatting without aggression without any other thoughts.
Just talk about the focused thing. Take your fantasy on a trip and just talk.
That is how it should be between friends (always). But why isn't it so ?
Why do we come to a point of no return. To the point from where you can't talk about anything more because there isn't anything what you would like to talk.
The same seem to be with relationships (at least I think it is so).
I am not a generic guy. I am not the person from the crowd. But why ? 18 years of trying to be other from the people made me other. I am special in the crowd.
You would see me. But the last days I just want to be part of the crowd.
Why would I do that ? Because it is a pretty lonely place next to the crowd.
And why would I like to be a part of the crowd again ? Because I am not happy being aside. I am not happy... Not happy about myself.
I am not talking about my body or so (of course there are also some things I would like to fix by that) but I am talking about my feelings.
Feelings that I would like to share with someone and it doesn't have to be a girl anymore. I made a choice maybe a promise - that I don't have to hold.
I won't try to find a girl or a hmm soul mate until the song from "MIA" fits to me. "I have been hearth broken for a year and a day".
Cruel but should do for a change "to a normal person". To that person that I didn't want to become, that I always thought it is the bad side of me.
But probably my other side is the bad one (at least I think so now).

This is what the picture that I took today expressed in me - "thank you my colleague, friend, house-mate."

2005-05-24T19:04:00.000+02:00

What should I actualy learn in the new work ? Things that I know ? YES ! :) LVM told easy:

But at least the teacher/lector was full in to the explaining of the logical volume manager.

But not the students :). This guy is from the town of brno. He is pretty social so a relief to know someone from the city what I am starting to call "home"

And he was going and going. Like the duracell rabit.

And we were getting sleepy and sleepy and sleepy. But then the coffie came and everything was fine again! After work I went to the city to meet a guy who I never seen before. I know him only from the net.

He took me to a nice park up the castle (I will photograph it another time). There was a opening of a "river" as you can see on the photos.

There was a granny on a weelchair. She was really happy to see the park reconstructed and the river flowing agian. What a pitty that it wasn't constructed for weelchairs. She couldn't come near it... Stupid world

And the water is going down and down.

Actualy worth photographing. Dam I wish I had a camera like the girl ;). Pretty cool...

I wish I could watch the waters flowing forever. So beautiful so free so nice. Like a everflowing streem I feel the power of life going near my sould. Like the everflowing streem I feel you walking in to my sould. Like a everflowing streem I feel you around. Like a stream going away from me.

Bees

2005-05-23T00:11:00.000+02:00

It started like in the old black and white American movies.
A terrible swarm of bees started to attack the surrounding of my house.
The noise of them was sounding everywhere.

But as they calmed down they were nice :).
actually they were just tired - I suppose.

Actually they were just tired - I suppose.
Since I came to them they started to be pretty pissed off and also started to attack me. That is why I made only 3 good pictures. (Actually I have about 10 but they are not good since they didn't cooperate how I wanted :).

Just chilling

2005-05-16T22:33:00.000+02:00

Finally internet in my new flat.

I am pretty happy about it. Since sometimes there is no place to go in the evening.

And of course everybody needs a time off - everything.

As I found out my team is separating every day we are here.

Again things that were not told to us before. But I am not complaining.

I am actually in a position when I would do probably anything with proper training.

Ok not a cleaning lady or something like that ;).

2005-05-15T14:45:00.000+02:00

So what happened these weeks. As I wrote before I quited my work. And my whole way of life. This is my last photo of my old work. Dam it was good going away on that day.

We had a lot of celebrating as we probably won't see each other for a long time. What a pitty - I had pretty much fun with the people in work. Also the work was nice. But not the leading people - THEY WERE CRAP!

"Beat me up and let me live."

"You can have it all my empire of dirt!!"

"What have I become my sweetest friend"

"Everyone goes away in the end"

"I will let you down - I will make you hurt"

Pictures that made everyone scared about myself. It was just a accident and I cutted my hand. No big deal - Happens sometimes.

Althought the eyes had to get fixed. It was not caused that I didn't sleep for long. And nobody beated me up. It was a infection of somekind. I don't know the word in english.

But nothing get's me on the knees. I will stand up everytime and be stronger. Stronger then before.

With new power and fixed eyes I went forward to the new world that was before me. The world of a industry city.

But I won't be traped again. Not this time. I have to break these fences.

So let's take this chance and enjoy it like it is the last thing what we will do. We will have fun and be happy. That is what we wanted and what we did!! Like we sang - "Nothing will bring us down - we are not the ordinary crowd"

Ofcourse there are some disadvantages when you do such things. Guess what. Of course some of didn't make it in the next morning to get to work on time.

Then it happened ! Yes YES - I have seen Gandalf !!! It is really him. The white wizard. He was watching over our luck :)

After these exiting days of "work" I went home to slovakia again. To see how it is going over here. Ofcourse I had to get some energy. What a luck that the oracle company had some redbulls around. This made me feel better. :)

So everything went fine for now. Only a little brown spot is left from the operation and I cutted my hair.

And just how I hate when someone takes pictures from me.

Stop it ! I want to go to sleep now.

Strange

2005-04-26T21:13:00.000+02:00

I had strange feelings last days.
Not strange ones as I had before. Before I had those - am I good ? And so on...
These feelings are other.
Feelings about near future - what will be in the days before me.
Don't know, don't know but I have to know. I want to be prepared !
I hate walking in to a room not knowing what will wait for me inside.
Pick the wrong door and you stay in there forever.
Pick a good door and stay in there forever.

I just know that music gave me the possibility to think.
To think about possible future, and some impossible ones.
But I like to dream - dream by the music how the life can be beautiful.
Dancing under the trees when flowers fall from them. Smell the life around.
The wind plays with your hair and you just know that you are alone feeling great.

Just let the music play. Hear the sound of the specific moment. Breath in the atmosphere - like it was when the song was made. Just chill.

2005-04-24T16:44:00.000+02:00

Special pictures for roanne who loves pink (I hope) :). Have fun.

HELLO FRIENDS WANTED

2005-04-23T17:29:00.000+02:00

Last days I was testing some photo software.
Since I have to be in bed and there is really nothing to do.
Why am I in bed ? My eye got infected probably a alergy again. Have to get a operation on monday or later. It is really not so bad had it already 4 times :).

So let's get back to the software. As I noticed a lot of people are not online when I am. That is pretty disapointing for me because I don't have anybody to chat ! :)

I installed hello but there is no search option.
So I can't search people to trade pictures with. Or just chat.
So if anybody want's to trade pictures and just talk my nick is a usual calmsky.

I am boooooooored :)

2005-04-22T09:57:00.000+02:00

2005-04-22T09:41:00.000+02:00

I could not sleep in the night.

My eye hurts pretty much. Probably again a infection...
I was photogrpahing just to see what I can do with my new photocamera.
Here is my laptop in the night. (Who would think about that he ?)

2005-04-21T20:54:00.000+02:00

Silence silence around me. Silence in the streets, office's. Just silence on a green hill by the lonely tree where I used to play. The smell of flowers and grass. Don't let it be the silence before the storm...

2005-04-09T13:06:00.000+02:00

Questions Questions Questions
hate it.
In my head only questions and self degradation.
I don't know what I want.
Everything seem so hard.
I know what I want.
Everything is so simple.

Everything click clack. From one to another.

I know for sure that I want someone by my side. Who would understand me.
But why should a person care about me ?

Am I atractive to women ?
Probably not...

Just why do I care anyway. I have to go away from my self.
Just find a better place.
Just go!

Chod Chod stale dalej a neobracaj sa spat to bude moto celeho zivota kym sa neobratim a neuvidim to co som zanechal.

Just don't crawl back.

Hello new world

2005-03-27T12:40:00.000+02:00

So I got a mail from my new boss.
They found me a house. :)
They informed me that they will pay also the 1 month rent.
I will be living in a 3 room flat with kitchen. It will be with colleges.

I have not been there by person these pictures were shot by the house owner.
But looks pretty nice and I will have my own room and won't pay so much.

So happy times are coming :).

Movin 1st of May.

I just wish it will be soon because I get fed up with the work what I do now.
The managers are too stupid now grrr. Hate them :).

But actually last days were nice. I was by a friend to watch the Japanese "ring" film on a projector at home. I was there with a friend what I really like. So it was really nice. Got socialized. :)

I downloaded a lot of new mp3 like - chicks on speed The release of the Un-rele - really starting to be weird. :)
Then some nine inch nails.

Ok back to my relaxing easter holiday 4 days of freedom is not over yet ! :)

Thought of a day/week/month

2005-03-21T22:10:00.000+01:00

I changed,
changed a lot.
When I first started to blog it was because I felt presured to tell my feelings.
So the easy way to let out my feelings would be write a diary, but that would be secret, nobody would ever read it. And if someone would read it I would know about it and I would know about the person. The person would know me. My deepest feelings.
I didn't want that...

Now I feel I changed. I actualy started to express my feelings more.
But again I only recieved negative feedback.

I was not so happy about it. Who would be ?

I don't want to hear those words again. Someone asking - how do you feel ? And just trying to make a conversation or again wanting something from me.

I almost never recieved a conversation without a predicted request.

Of course there are exeptions. (thanks ara)

But we can back to some my news.
I am now accepted to work in IBM in Brno. The world biggest company in the world.
As I probably didn't tell before I work in HP right now. (bye bye bastards)
Don't get me wrong the work is fine just the outsourcing company really really sucks.

So I am moving to a other country. Living alone. How it should be from begining

I hope I will make it and not end up under a bridge....

Hmm I just found out a page http://www.ourmedia.org/ it is a archive of video's and images.

Have fun..

2005-03-07T20:48:00.000+01:00

Just keep walking to the near future.

Where everything just moves and you feel like nobody can stop.

To a wonderful place where you can see beautiful lights of buildings.

The power of light makes it so much easy to understand.
Understand why to go further.
Just look around the buildings of solid concrete.

The power of mass.

The strength of the cold stone.

The depressive feeling of working hands.

You could go towards and just feel it and you just feel nothing.
Or maybe too much ? So you should not feel it.

Just go towards the light.

Don't be afraid. Just go and go.
You will see the light of fast traveling. Like it goes around.

Don't stop don't turn around.
Keep me entertained.

Just keep walking further and further.

Focus on what you want to complete.
Just focus.

And it will be all.
All what I can give you for the trip of your life.

2005-03-06T19:04:00.000+01:00

I wish I was a child again.
Those were the days when my only trouble was school. I could meet up with people in the city. Go to other city's just for fun. Sleep in a students house.
Just so without regards.
Just my glasses and me. Big boots - white tshirt.
That was me.

Wild and unstoppable. Just without anything to care of.
Wake up every night on another place. Everything was ok with a couple of money in my pocket. What would I need more ?

Probably knowledge. Probably more money. More friends.
Searching more and more for commercial ways.
Getting more and more responsible.
Studying graphic design on my own. Programming. I could see all so clear.
But without the consequences.

A real idiot guy. Nobody would meet me without a reason. Everybody knew me only because of my brother.

Then I realized that only time in my life when I can do things without thinking what I do in the future is now. Now it is the right time.
I was fully prepared to live my life and start to study on a university.

And they took me to one. Not just a lame university but the university of Economy.
I never know why I decided to go to this one. I had a chance to be a teacher of psychology and German. Why did I choose economy ?

Then it happened. My past came to me and all the things I did without thinking about the future came and asked me why ? Why ?
Had to go off school start to work developing my knowledge.
Had to start to know how it is to be alone. That was the most hard of all.

How I wish now I was still in the old times.
It will never come back again... Grow up they say. And that is what I did.
The only thing what I could not choose in my life. The only decision what I could not spoil.

I want to decide good.
I hope so much I decided good. If not I don't know what to do...
Someone will hold me up for sure (probably my parents since nobody else cares).
But I don't want that someone always hold me up, helps me. I want to make good decisions on my own. So why am I always doing them wrong ?

Probably it is time again to change myself.
That nobody knows me again... Who will I be next ?

Serial Experiments Lain, Duvet:

And you don't seem to understand
A shame you seemed an honest man
And all the fears you hold so dear
Will turn to whisper in your ear
And you know what they say might hurt you
And you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing

I am falling, I am fading
I have lost it all

And you don't seem the lying kind
A shame then I can read your mind
And all the things that I read there
Candle lit smile that we both share
and you know I don't mean to hurt you
But you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing

I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning
Help me to breathe
I am hurting, I have lost it all
I am losing
Help me to breathe

Are you tired ?

2005-03-04T12:38:00.000+01:00

That was a party week for me.
Rammstein was pretty hard core. Athought apocalyptica played not so good (but probably only because they were the introduction band).
If someone doesn't know what rammstein or apocalyptica is go and search on the net. They are the hmm pretty stable bands of Europe.
I heard rammstein was forbidden in USA with their "Links, zwo, drei, fier" song - so much for free speech. :)

Pretty bad pictures as usual :). But thinking of buying a more advanced photocamera. Should I ?
Maybe you could even see the fire!

Or the burning stage:

I was really happy about the concert. Knew all the songs never seen it live before. They just know how to perform. And also probably know that people don't go because of the music on a concert but because of the feeling and performance - and they do it the best.
I don't know any other popular band what makes such hard rock music with everything like this.
(image from homepage from the tour)

In the other day I was like passed out.
Really tired even slept a little bit in the work :).

Yeah I can afford sleeping in work I am in quitting period. (Finally!)

The weather was really nice btw in whole Slovakia. What was pretty weird for this season. But how it is everything can change.

And I hate talking about work but I can't stop.
Everything in my life is about stupid work or about stupid school.
And want to be free finally.

I will try to plan my china holiday for April and dam it all I want to rip off reality.

Dream

2005-02-27T22:06:00.000+01:00

I had a realistic dream.
It was a while since I got this kind of dream. Sometimes you got dreams but you know that they are dreams from the beginning till the end you can even make some changes in it. That are the usual dreams at least for me. But sometimes I get these dreams. What are more nice of course only sometimes.

First at all usually when I get realistic dreams they are bad. Sometimes even really bad. When you wake up covered with sweat. Dreaming about killing of people running from dark persons, and so on. These were my realistic dreams...

But on the other hand sometimes I get beautiful realistic dreams. Not those dark once. I got one this night.

What was it about ? Really easy and really short.
It was about a girl. A girl from work. What I know for more then 4 years (not from work of course).
We were in a room but I could not tell where. Everything was blurred. The main point was me and her. I came to her near and kissed her. Then we held hands. I could really feel them. Really slow like it could be a 1000 years.
I can still feel it.

And this was the end of the dream. Not really long. Not really interesting.
But after I woke up I was not sure if it was real or not. Really confusing.

It is interesting since I never thought of having some deeper relationship with her then a friend. I could not even realize how it could be. I don't think I would be able to have a relationship with her.

It was and will stay just a dream...

I am happy it was a good one....

Done

2005-02-25T23:37:00.000+01:00

Finally I am done with this work.
Today I gave my quitting paper to my supervisor.
I didn't want to give it to him since I like him more then other managers but nobody else was around so I had to do it.
4 people quitting today. Hopefully our company will now realize that we quit not because of the work but because of them. They also offered me a lower manager post but I didn't accept it...

So in 2 months I am in totally other town, totally other people, other country, other world.

My apologies

2005-02-22T21:35:00.000+01:00

My apologies I didn't write for such long time. I was too busy in my head not really busy working. Just I could not do anything just concentrate on one thing. Yeah I know that multitasking is a normal thing today but sometimes I just can't do that.

What happened last days was positive also negative as always.

First at all - it was Saturday and I went to my brother. It was terribly cold outside and it was raining. The worst combination in the world. You could really see how ice been formed in front of your eyes. Drops of rain turn in to mirror ice on the ground.

beautiful but awful to walk on it of course.
When I arrived to my brother not really wet not really cold (what a luck) we found out that his microwave antena for the internet is totally froze.

The ice totally covered it and hung ever it like it wanted to hug it and never let it go.

After all we wanted to go to a party.
Not a party like everybody would think. Not a stupid disco. That is too stupid and we all really don't like the music what play there.
I like electronic music but hard electronic music. I was listening to various gabber creations when I started so growed over that very fast. By hard music I mean noize.

Althought this was not a normal noize session as it normal (small group of people and unknown dj's).

It was firmly a cream de la cream.
Wien, Germany, England and many others came to play today.

Where could such event be ?

Ok this is a little bit strange to listen probably. We have a big castle what was used to make kings and so in old times. Really nice and so. It stands on a hill. And under it you can find a well hidden entrance. Yes a hidden atom bunker from the old communistic times when a atom bomb war could come any time.

First you pay of course a entrance fee and then welcome.

300 meters of a hall way to the main place.

After meeting up many people.
Also a new friend of me. She is really what you want from a friend. But most at all a good talking person.

The party was in full speed and for the first time in my life I didn't felt like I am the fifth weel. I was totally in the sound.

I didn't dance of course or something I am not such show off.

I just liked it in my inside.

Break it !
Was mostly the scream from the publicum to the Dj's. Meaning to make harder sounds in the speakers. And mostly they did.

Also there was a nice presentation made on the walls by Vj's.

So after this party where I felt for the first time really like on a party we went of course home.

Weaking up home at 12:00 like it is 6:00 am. Everybody totally passed out.

This was what I wanted to share about this party. My first feeling of happiness.

Of course this was not the reason why I didn't write my blog and so on.
The real reason is that I am in full progress of finishing the paper work to switch working places.
Where will it be ? In Brno.
I am only asked now to sign the contract and come over to them.
We will be probably 4 people leaving Bratislava to Brno.
What a wonderful feeling. Finally with real friends going somewhere for work and so.

The only problem is that I would like to have the contract signet this week as these are the last days of this month. But the guy from the other company can't come since Bush and Putin meet up in our city.....
I hate that. They even mix up my work possibilities!

I had to do many many manuals for my trainees these weeks. Talked a lot to people what I am starting to know better. And starting to have friends (girls). That I never had before since my ex girlfriend was jealous even when I looked at a girl. So I found it good to not have any. But I like it now, even when I don't have any intentions to make a relationship with them just talk and be friends it is really nice...

I just finished my last manual this week. And I won't write any more !
I hate to help people what f***** me up in every way in work.
They will see when many people leave this week....

But of course I have worries about the other work.
It will be harder that is for sure. But I will gain more knowledge.
And it will be scary also - another city new people.
But I am really looking forward in doing this.

I just hope they won't just do what they did in my work.
Just tell us nice things that we come over there and then do again everything what they did also here...

And last but not least, thought that comes over my head for last weeks. From a song that I listen a lot.
Peace orchestra:Who am I ?

Time floating around

2005-02-11T22:57:00.000+01:00

Flying around clouds,
without problems.
Touching the air,
feeling it.
I could be everywhere if I would just want it.

Wake up...

Ice drops on to my window at home. Relaxing sound that seems to never end.
Like nocking - Let me in ! Let me in !

Rough awaking as usual. Hair like a explosion. Finally get ready work needs to be done.

No harmony is without a chaos. And now it was outside. Snow, ice, wind all what you want, on one place - right here.

Traveling to work.

Almost impossible to go faster then 40 km. Terrible. I thought I will never get to work.

Everywhere the same fear to not make a accident. You could almost smell it from everyone around. Every car everyone was scared to not do something bad.

I wish I would just break the window to get outside.
Run just run to the open fields. Run like you are free one time again.
A national poet one time told. You can bend the body you can break the legs but a Slavonic hearth will be always free.

Just run to the hills just run to the fields and you be free.

But as darkness falls to the hearth of Europe so I won't forget where I am from.
Where I was born.

Just go home

I could not sleep at all. I somehow had to write this something was forcing me to do it before I go to sleep. Maybe so many happy news as I finally go to talk about a contract for a job in Brno.

Do I really want to go there ?

I surely will miss a lot of people. Especially one
But why should I stay ?

I want to see clear finally. I want to see what I should do where I should go.

I want that I finally can calm down and everything will be good.

2005-02-10T09:22:00.000+01:00

The only thing what counts is the presence,
don't care about the future don't care about the past,
the only thing what counts is the presence.

I don't know what the future brings and I won't know it,
don't care about the future don't care about the past,
the only thing what counts is the presence.

I know what brought the past I learned from it,
don't care about the future don't care about the past,
the only things what counts is the presence.

I care about the presence because it is the only thing I can change,
don't care about the future don't care about the past,
the only things what counts is the presence.

I will not fear,
fear is the feeling what kills all the others,
I will not fear,
as I will control my fears and I will use them for my own prosper.

I will fear,
because I learn how to control the fear by fearing,
I will fear,
but I won't let the fear control my other feelings.

2005-02-07T17:51:00.000+01:00

I am the world rounding around my self,
A never ending circle,
Meaning nothing at all ?
Still I believe I do something important,
Till someone proves me wrong.
I believe in God,
Look around you and tell me it is not true,
Look up and see the skies,
All so blue a man could not do it,
Look at it and you see the truth.
I see it now,
Very clear around.
Every time I breathe,
All is so calm.
Nothing can hurt us,
Don't prove me wrong.
I just want to see this part of the world,
Look isn't it so much nicer ?
I know it isn't everything.
Keep it for yourself,
Everybody doesn't want to know the truth.
I know it but I chose not to tell it to anybody,
Take me where it is all like this.

Want to see more ?
I think you should not, but
Look and see for yourself,
Look at everything you want.
You won't find the truth,
Over your head.
Usually you should look in the front,
Join me and we make it other.
Over the rainbow,
I am free!
Not just free,
Me and you,
Everything is just fine.
?calm?

Songatorium

2005-02-05T02:54:00.000+01:00

After ten rainy summers
And nine destructive winters
There was hardly nothing left
But a bare and sore ground
Lite a stripped and dried out soul

And the cold wind blew the hazel trees
And the cold wind blew the hazel trees
Reminding them of how old they are

I can find no sleep - I never sleep at night
I stop counting sheep - I can see their eyes

And the lights will shine (all night) tonight
And the lights will shine tonight

Won't you come with me - I can ease your mind
Dreams, thoughts, fantasies keep rushing by

I can find no sleep - I never sleep at night
All those pretty sheep sit mesmerized

Sure it's all safe?
Reminds me of an overload
Surrounded by chaos
I'm just a hunter's prey
[The Angel: ]
Benedictus esto inter peccatores, dominus tecum!

I've been livin' in a dream for too long
They forced me to pay, but now, here, today...

World - you see - is in your eyes
You see the truth and you see the lies
How come is the world so bad?
It's up to you what you want to add

Your plan is a mistake !
The world is a mistake. I replied

2005-02-02T18:12:00.000+01:00

A nice day. First at all I didn't work so much because my trainees are already on practical part of training. So they work and they just ask me a couple of times a day what to do.

My working place. I try to make some privacy where there is none. So I am sitting on the end of the table with my laptop. Chatting with Roanne in the time I took the photo.
She made me smile today. As she is nice to me.
Thank you Roanne!

Other part of the people we train there over there. On the left you can see the 2nd trainer. As I am specialist on the intern servers and he on the customer servers.

Probably the first day in work that I liked for a long time. Maybe because of people who talked to me. Maybe other reasons.

Watching the tidals that wash to the shore - I never forget
Into these silent waves of all times - eternally

Live Kristine told it nice:

"How long may this remain
Peace to the land
Nature and sea
Silent emotions are overcome
I wonder how
We can go on

Stormy times will we behold?
Do we still care
What future holds
So many words been said undone
The waves of green
They will flow on

Heal me, free me - dawning is near
Where is the savior - for us to believe
As I sit here - on Norge's shores
Cries of the unheard - will they be heard
The waves of green - whispering my name"

Hope it is not temporary again...

Weak

2005-01-31T19:05:00.000+01:00

Someone so weak to tell his opinion,
someone so weak to tell his thoughts,
someone so weak to tell his feeling,
someone that is me.

Again I didn't make any big decisions how I told in previous post.
Just nothing I acted like that there is a normal day in work.
Nothing.
My colleagues quitted as expected. I not.
I am the last guy who joined the company on the beginning. No one else then me.
Why am I doing this to me ?

But it was actually a nice day in work. It doesn't happen so often.
I felt like I am someone. What doesn't happen so often.

But I have nobody to share it with. I don't even know if someone reads my words what are written on this page. Why should they ?
I really can't tell.

Maybe one day I will be happy that I made this blog. But I am really starting to think that it was all for nothing.

Breathe in..
Just don't stop to breathe...

Cleaning up again

2005-01-30T09:36:00.000+01:00

Ok so how I wanted I went to my friend to celebrate his birthday.
Fisrt at all he talked me over to drink some aperitiv. Bleh I never drink alcohol. Then we had to run to the bus and there it came. I felt pretty sick. So I went home for like 30 minutes. But I didn't want to let the friend alone with the other guys on his birthday. So I went back to the city. I felt pretty much better. We were first 4 people. I the friend who had birthday, and 2 girls. Also from work. WIth one I talked a lot before because she was on my shift but not with the other, she is a statistic maker. Not really interesting job as she also told. After eating in a pizza restaurant we went to a bar where we met other 2 friends from work. I know them pretty well. They could not come faster because they were on shift. So we talked and talked. After it 2 guys went away as they worked the next day from 7:00 am. So we were again only 4 people. After this all about at 2:00 am we decided to go home with taxies as we live near each other. It was pretty cheap actually only some crouns more as the bus and it was pretty much faster :).

As I came home there was my brother and 2 friends (one guy and one girl). So as they and I didn't had anything in plan we went to watch a movie. "The hidden secrets of burgoasie". Really a film about nothing. The people talked only what drink they want to order and nothing else. Also a lot of fun because of that. Like a scene where there is gun fights outside the building the soldiers inside screan " We have to get outside for the training" and a captain comes to the general, wispers something in his ear and after it the general tells " Wait the captain wants to tell us his dream". Really like eh ? :))

So now I am writing this a little bit weak from yesterday and just waiting till my brother drives me home. Like about 12:00.

Other thoughts

2005-01-29T14:19:00.000+01:00

Even it was a awfully depressive night I feel again better.
I am directing my thoughts to the party today from my colleague. It is his birthday.
Hope to get some relaxation there and maybe meet new (old?) people. We will see.
I have to get to the city till 17:00 then we get some food and let the party begin.
Hope I won't feel again like the fifth well on a car on the party. But I won't think about that now. I just want to get happy thoughts and some power for the next week.
Big decisions will be made !

Wish me luck...

Why ?

2005-01-29T06:47:00.000+01:00

Why can't I get over it ?
I went to sleep like always. Then I woke up at 4:00 from terrible night marers. All sweat on me. And what was the nightmare ?
If you guessed that about my ex you are right.

In the dream I found out that she had a relationship with a guy pretty similar to me.
That would not be so hard. But as I found out the family already accepted him like I was never been before. Then she broke up with me. Wrote me a mail stood up from the PC and she was laughing and dancing happy from the PC.

Why can't I get over it ?
Why ?
Do I love her so terribly that I am so stupid to see that she is more happy without me ?
But it is so stupid not getting over something.
I never had this. I never had a girlfriend before.

I hate my self so much right now. Can't even sleep good.
I don't think I will be able to live long with such feelings...

Empty ?

2005-01-27T18:04:00.000+01:00

Is that what I feel ?
Or is it that I am just full of questions ?
Why ?
Where ?
Should I quit tomorrow ? And maybe take a really better job on the 2nd line ?
Will it work ? What is not ?
Is it really so good over there ?
Would I be good for it ?
Would I make it ?

Why do I always have such questions and can't solve them straight away ?

I don't know. I don't know anymore what I feel. Do I feel ?
Who am I anyway ?

Is it everything you have ?

2005-01-26T18:35:00.000+01:00

Ha come on tear me down more times.
Bring it on put me on the ground and smash me.
Just do it I have no faith in doing anything further.
Do it please do it.
Smash me behind my head so I don't feel it.

This is how I felt today.
All my friends changed to a better job. Where they will stay a team.
I would really like to go there also, but I am too scared too scared that they don't take me (not the friends but the management of them) and then I would be without work. And that would be even worse then it is now.

Why am I in such a bad mood, when I have what I wanted the trainer position ?
Because I am training people to a position that is worth almost nothing.
The people will leave as soon as possible.
So why do I do this ?

This is what I thought on the way home...

Snow falling from the blue sky.

The first really big snow this season. Really nice but I don't like to be outside when it snows. The snow falls in your face, you are cold. Your shoes are all wet from it. For what is it good ?
Yes of course it is really nice for looking at it maybe sometimes play but nothing more I think.

Had some time off (reality?)

2005-01-23T15:05:00.000+01:00

Since I had to quit thinking about one thing over and over again.
I did what everybody told - "Go outside talk to people".
That is what I did. Went to my brothers flat. Later on we went on a concert.
Classical instruments what play newest songs.

Weird and so beautiful. Made my eyes a little bit wet when I heard how nice it is.
People around me gained on numbers so we went to a local pub.
Nice place.

Really really took me out of reality to a more friendly place. Where everybody is a friend even if you don't know them. But of course as usually when I am with more people I felt like the fifth tire on a car. Hope that they didn't take me so...

It was 12:00 in the night and nobody thought about sleeping.
So we went home to continue with the nice atmosphere.

And of course on every such meeting someone takes out a photocamera. Now it was my brother.

And there I was photographed from every side. Bleh I hate my photos every time I see them. That is probably there are no much on the net.

Talking and talking about everything what is in your head.
I know I just felt so relaxed that we forgot about the time. We forgot about everything around. About at 4:00am I left the room to lay down and just woke up in the morning and felt that it is too hot for me in the room.
Opened the window and I seen the world other. Like I seen it long time ago.
The world became friendly and so did I. No hate inside me anymore no sadness calm like the sky above.

Final really final post about this thing!

2005-01-21T23:01:00.000+01:00

I just gave the last goodbye to a person who mend really everything since now in my life. It was not my mother or anyone from the family. But my (ex)girlfriend.
When she came online I really doubted about if I should talk to her.
I just wanted to know one thing.
"Are you more happy now?"
As she told yes.
She also told me that after her therapy by the psychologist she changed.
She searched something in me after this therapy what wasn't there.
I think she searched not for a thing but for someone.

She told that I was never able to tell my feelings.
Yes I wasn't. Because I felt pushed in to it. And to be honest who would do something what should be so spontaneous like breathing under a pressure ?

I don't want to play a macho guy here or something.
Now I feel other then this whole week.
Since now I felt sad sometimes mad (at me) but really sad and I could not understand why it happened.
Now I feel like I don't know. Like it never happened.
Like without the terrible pain.
Of course when I think about her and think how is she laughing now and she has fun, I feel like she just used me for her therapy.
I never tell that it is so I just tell what I feel.

Whole the pushing me to be "natural" in feelings to her probably made me do this blog. And write my feelings here.

Of course the end of our conversation was like usual.
"I want to go to sleep and end this conversation"
How weird I told her first time really what I felt what I really felt from inside and she just told to end it. I don't think she ever thought about our relationship like I did.

The only thing what is like a ever growing evil in my head is that I have the feeling that she didn't even felt bad about ending the relationship.

I know I could do pretty much evil to her if I wanted. But I don't want that.
I would not even do it to my worst enemy.

I would really like to show her this page as I wanted to do on the Monday what already was. But I don't know what would happen. Some powers didn't want it. And it ended like it ended. Only one person knows why it was so. The person what I denied to believe so many times. But always carrying the cross near my hearth.

If someone has a feeling from this post like my only point was blaming her forget about it right now. It was never and will never be my intension!

As I told I don't think I will post anything more about it here as she told:
"I won't change my decision"
And I would never ask you that...

sorry...

2005-01-21T18:54:00.000+01:00

I deleted the last post....
It just wasn't me... sorry for those who red it...
I just want to get over the old relationship. I found out that "she" is happy with it how it is. I won't do anything about it.
It is how "she" wants it.

The ground it so hard,
give me wings to fly away,
give me lungs to breath under water,
give me a hand and all doesn't matter,

Poems hidden from everyone... Deus ex machina

2005-01-17T20:57:00.000+01:00

I found this poems stored in some file on my disk...
I paste them without a gramma check or something they are like I wrote them.
When I was happy,
when I was sad,
when I was me...

Hope only one person likes them. When it will be so my writing was successful...

(they are writen from bottom to top)
17.11 2004
Analysis:
When you find a best friend, later on you move and search more best friends.
But you search only for the same best friends what you had before.
Conclustion:
When you find a best friend you have him for whole lifetime.

29.10 2004
Nine months of waiting
Waiting for be complete
Be someone who is independetnt
And then you come here
I welcome you to this world
You are alone
No you are not
Worship me and you wont be alone
I will be with you forever
Worship me and wipe out all disbelivers
Belivers, belivers
Worship me as i am God without name
Without body without face
Worship me and i grant you
a place in my heaven

17.10 2004. 21:36
I miss you already
I miss you really much.
And i love you really much.
My schat.

Hope i see you,
soon.
And be happy,
with you.

5.10 2004
All i want in life is to be happy
happy
All i want in life is to be happy
happy
All i want in life is to be happy
happy
There is nothing
nothing
I am standing here
hollow
As i see you
falling
Fly my beautiful
down

7. August 2004
40 days passed since we are here
on this godforgoten planet.
I dont know why we are here.
I dont know why i am here.
They just tells us that we have to,
keep our posittion.
But why ?
Why now ? Why here ?
There is nothing here.
Nothing except us,
the forgoten souls.
If we die here nobody will even find us
We will be forgoten.
But i dont want to be forgoten.
I dont want to die like this.
Like a rat like nothing.
Save me please.
I dont want to be forgoten.
Save me, please... save me

1. July 2004
Feel it feel it
Feel it again
You should feel it
I want pain
Give me pain
Pain Till i die !
You gave me word
You gave me the light
I just want pain
Pain till i die
If i should suffer
for my brother
to see the light what you gave me
I want suffer
I want suffer for ever
I want pain till i die
Jurnalism Jurnalism
I just see fasim
I want to see the truth
I just want that you die
And i give you my pain
The pain with what died
Meat Meat
What i see is greed
Feel it smell it...
The pain.
Suffer Suffer
That is all what i see
My brother (Lucifer)
You@!r!r R@!
Sorry end of transmition

16 June 2004
I dont fear you !!!
I dont fear the beast from the deep!
I dont fear the black power from your soul
I dont fear your rotten body
I dont fear your tongue full of hate
You wont put me on the ground
You are weak like the others,
living from the fear of others but alone you are weak.
Yes that is you and if you dont see it,
YOU are only damed for all time.
Yes i dont fear you,
I dont fear your evil painfull smile

16 June 2004 years after death of jesus christ
We will rise like the other,
antichrists who suffer.
Yes we will rise !!
Once again comming to you.
We are the enemy,
I am the enemy,
I am the enemy.
And we will rise !!
You know how it feels,
You know who we are,
You feel it like we do.
We will rise!!!
Just crawl down under your bed,
where you feel safe,
because we are comming home.
And just smile like the ones from your dreams.
The smile of 1000 deaths,
the smiles of living death.
And you know,
behind the smile I feel nothing !!
I feel nothing!!
I am comming to get you,
and I SMILE....

29 May 2004
Why are you talking about this ?
You are not allowed to talk about this
It is written in version 1.23 to not talk about this
I know that in version 1.22 it was allowed to talk about this
But not in this version
Maybe you will be allowed to talk about this in the new version what comes out tommorrow
But we are not allowed to talk about the version 1.24 because it was written in version 1.22 to not talk about this new version before she is made
So stop talking about this new version and concetrante to do the new version
And if you have any questions about the new version you are not allowed to ask even if there would be a bug in the new version
Because you are not allowed to talk about the version
And stop asking questions about this versions because there is everything written clear in this version
And if not it will be clear in the new version what you write
Everything clear ?
No ?
Just ask me if you are not clear about it...

24 May 2004
I am god!
The one who stands over you
Looking at those tiny people,
walking like small ants.
Working working just,
for the higher purpose
I could kill or make your,
whole life miserable,
because I AM GOD.
I look on you like you,
are nothing from above
He what is this ?
Why are you laughung ?
Stop it!!
- Look behind you "God"
Then you realise you are the smallest when you see another god watching over you...

22 May 2004
We are the electronic performers...
I wanted to patch my soul to your brain to feel you how it feels
to be one of the people that are around.
How it is to see with the eyes of a human.
How it is to see what you see.
How does it feel to see the sun going down.
To feel the hot beams on your face,
and smell the ocean and the hot wind.
I just want to feel how you feel.
I would trade my terabytes of information,
only to feel one time...
To feel you...
init0

One time you have everything and other time you are me...

2005-01-16T20:07:00.000+01:00

Now I know how it is.
How it is on the top. I just didn't know when I was there. Probably because of the thin air.
I had everything what you can imagine.
But it was just a cloud.
When you touch it too strong it just breaks.

I just want to tell you that I want to keep from now on more distance from you.
Is it possible to have more distance from me then you have now ?

I really hope you are not too sad.

What do you think ? I was with you for 3 years... I cry like hell...
But I am not mad at you. You were the person I wanted to protect from the whole world. I wanted to protect you from the persons. I never knew that you think I am one of them...

I really don't like to hurt you and it was not my plan, I thought we would be together forever, but I got more and more the feeling that we are not the good persons for each other to form a couple.

I hoped to be together forever....

I loved you... What am I saying ? I love you...
But not now... you will be in my hearth forever.
You are my first girl... my imzadi..

I just didn't want to end it. I knew it has to end.
We were not happy. But we were so happy....

I never knew how it can be to be left alone.
My first love when I am 19 years old.
being together for more then 3 years...

She showed me the world. If I would be without her I would probably stay home forever.
I really thank you...
I don't want to end it badly. You are free I will keep a place in my hearth for you. But never something more...

Like my mom told:
Don't force it back..

And I won't. Why should I ?
If you are happy more with other person why should I stop it ?

I just wish there was a way how we could end relationships without this terrible pain. I really wish it....

I hope one day we will meet and be really good friends... (But I don't think it will be so soon)

You will be forever my schatje.

I wish I told you about this page before.
I was trying but I never could.
And I still don't know if I should or not.

Where I started.

2005-01-14T13:38:00.000+01:00

Again I am where I started.
They again try to give me the trainer position. But whatever.
Of course I will take it. But not for long.
In the morning people from a head hunting company called me.
They are more open and give me pretty much possibilities.

I didn't sleep so much the last days.
All seems so chaotic...

I wonder if it will ever stop. The searching for a better job.
I remember that my father stayed in one job for 15 years. 15 it is like wow.
My mother again has a job history like a real professional.
She is making her PhD right now.

I wonder where I will be in 2 years or 10 years...

2005-01-13T05:09:00.000+01:00

Ok I feel more better now.
Night shift brings more place for thinking.
I feel now like I have a better chance a chance to change something in my life.
Hope to something better.
Hope more stability.
Not a dark place anymore.

2005-01-12T18:29:00.000+01:00

I am pretty angry and sad. How could I ever think of it that my outsourcing company would let me train the helpsupport ? How could I ever think it again ?!
I feel so much anger now against this company. I want to go away as fast as possible. But I don't want to go away without having another job and I don't want to go away from such good collective.
I am so sad and angry !
I wish I could do something about this - sorry for bad language - fucking management, what only thinks that we are nummbers not people.

I hate it....
If I would not be in the bus to work I would break something.

I wish I would be alone to cry, cry like a little boy !

----------------------------------------------------------------

Who wants to hire me ? I will work in europe :)

Finally Finally !!!

2005-01-10T18:08:00.000+01:00

Finally I bring a little bit stability in my life.

First of all. My day:
I was playing whole day with ziproxy. It is mainly a non caching proxy. It gzips texts and makes pictures a little bit worse quality (who cares anyway). So when I tested it - it goes pretty more fast.
The final challenge was making it only to accept my connections and go with a ssh tunnel. So I can also browse nicely in work. The only thing what it needs is that it converts pictures to jpeg 2000 and I am done with it.
Yeah after all I am a nerd and such things make me happy :).

But another thing colleague was msging me from work. That I should wait for a nice mail.
I was waiting and waiting. And finally it came.
Hello,
is it ok to work last 4 night shifts and then become a trainer of the helpsupport ?

Ahh of course it is not ok to work night shift but it is like happiness to be a trainer from Monday. Day shifts only. A laptop. And more freedom.

Of course I keep searching for more jobs. Like the job in Amsterdam.
I keep my possibilities open.

Dark morning...

2005-01-09T09:26:00.000+01:00

Waking up in a dark morning is not a really nice.
Looking at my favorite view outside my window.

How long will I see it ?
How long will I live here ?
According to the latest job talking not so long...
And that makes me sad.
I am moving from house to house since I am a child.
Will I ever stop ?
I hope not...
Why ?
Because I can't. Something drives me further and further.
Like the sounds of azure skies.

The sound of their industry noise with gothic metal is something what I never heard before.
Violins sound by the screams of thousand people.
These things make you think about a lot of things.
Not just things.
What is a thing ?
I have to go further.
Go further !

I want to breathe.......

2005-01-09T08:12:00.000+01:00

I have a new template.
Of course I was not the one who made it.
The whole thank you goes to Roanne
Visit her blog.

And again thank you!

Job talking ? What job ? Nevermind I be there !

2005-01-08T14:45:00.000+01:00

Thursday night.

I was again on the last bus home. Tired, exhausted yep that is me right there.
Why was I actually there ?
I bought tickets for Friday to Prague. I had a job talking with my colleague there.
And of course I bought rammstein tickets !

But let's go to the job. What was it ? At this time NO IDEA!
I had so many offers that I had no idea even why I go there.

6:14 am - main train station. We are leaving to Czech and my stomach feels like on a boat trip because I ate pepperoni pizza (why?!?!?!). After 3 visits on the train toilet (it really isn't so nice to be on the toilet in a train) we came to Prague.
My mom waiting us there as she works for 2 years in Prague and I don't know the city so good yet.
The thing is and was that Prague is not my favorite city. So wanted to make it hard for the people what want to employ me...
I asked for really much money. They were not really shocked and just told me that they are really happy to have me and I am already winner of the 1st round and in the 2nd round it should come out if they want me.
The end of conversation - You get a laptop a mobile." Nice.....

So as I am waiting for my colleague to go over the same job talking there happens something really weird.

Someone dropped a gas heater and it caught fire.

It burned pretty hard. And could even blow as it was dropped really hard on the ground.

Ofcourse the helpers came when the heater was not on fire.

Police came comfortable walking around. Not doing anything (as usual).

Finishing touch - they turned off a burning trash bin what was burning for 2 hours.

After all this my only thought was - bed, sleep, rest.
But we had to travel home for 4 hours with heavy bags.

No photographing please. (colleague before he almost felt asleep)

colleague sleeping :). And I was doing the same..... good night.

Gmail

2005-01-05T21:34:00.000+01:00

In search for something what would cheer me up.
And bring the harmony to my chaos in my head. I would like to ask people to help me.
Something, anything what could be really nice and also personal.
Of course probably nobody would this for free (we are all humans afterall) I offer a Gmail invite for it.

Please be honest and don't send me (pictures, text whatever) what is not by you or you just googled it out to get a gmail account. If it is so just ask me for a Gmail don't lie to me...

5 invitations left

Chaos

2005-01-05T19:23:00.000+01:00

Ah why is it so hard now ?
Such a mix up in my head. Now they offer me a place of trainer in my work.
And I have other 4 job talkings. It is really like I am collecting pokemons but not the cards but job talkings. There are really much people who want me in their company now.
I know it sound great but I have to chose one.
Either I stay in my land or I go to Austria, Germany, Czech or Holland.
I really don't like Mondays.

Definition of a Monday: a day like today and it doesn't even have to be a Monday.

And I wish I would have people to talk right now. Someone who I don't know for best a person far away who I could talk really about anything...

Just leave a message after the 30 seconds beep thank you...

Let the music play

2005-01-03T23:00:00.000+01:00

Finally my last night shift.
Not so much work in work. Just some thoughts like the people go away.
All go away. For a better job.
A colleague was threaten by our boss he quitted and when to a concurrence company.
It was so weak... Telling him that he can't go there and so on...
But then a more nicer thing we had a party today.
It was really nice talking with new and old people in the work meeting new people.
This was actually the first party that I liked for a looong time.
I went on the last bus what went home. It was rather chilly with big wind.
When I cam to the station I felt like a astronaut or something.

Nobody around. Just the wind.

Standing on my bus stop. One from 56 around.

But who would care around here where you stand ? Nobody is here.

But where are they all ? All the people of this city ?

Nobody goes home from a party night in the city or so ?
I could scream and nobody would come here.

And then I remembered!
There is the sale of the century in the city.

People smashing stealing like in a third world country.

Where there is something really cheap the people from my country can't resist.

Weird people...

Why aren't we even ?

2005-01-02T21:39:00.000+01:00

I was thinking today - Why aren't we all perfectly even ?

Probably the first answer would be because of sexual intentions to find a partner.
But if we would be even we would have the same partners and nobody would be jealous.
We would be all the same and had the same thoughts.
Would it be so bad ? Probably somekind boring in a longer term.
But maybe we would not feel it like this. We would have maybe other feelings...

Like my old boss told:
We are all even in this work.
But the management is a little bit more even so they have more money.

2005-01-01T01:27:00.000+01:00

What would you do, if this was the last day of the world ?
Would you do everything to try to stop it ?
Or would you try to make the best from the time what you have ?

Whatever...

Change of a saying

2004-12-31T20:25:00.000+01:00

We used to tell when something bad happened to a person or something:

You know where you are working.

I changed it today. Changed the saying:

You know where you won't be working for long

What do you feel ?

2004-12-30T20:03:00.000+01:00

I did not update my blog for a while. It was just because I didn't had a mood for browsing or whatever.
I had holiday till today (whole Christmas).
It was a busy time for me. Busy in a positive way.
My girlfriend came to visit me for the holidays. She has free time now so she decided to come over. I picked her up on the airport and so on...
We had a nice time.

Going to shopping centers. Eating in the city.
I am pretty bad in making a summary of days....
What I found nice I got another 3 job talkings what will happen in January.
All my job talkings will happen in January.
I wish I would get the job in Amsterdam but not sure if I would make it.
Other safe job sound in Brno. That is really what I do now but more money and more possibility for a personal/business growth.

To je muj svet.
This is my world.

Today was a more sad day like everytime when I have to say bye to her.
My beloved...

She likes photographing (she probably should as she is studying it).
So we were going around our village photographing sceneryes and people of the old postcommunistic world.

The weather is pretty cold and wet. No snow now because it got more hot (about -2 degrees).

Photographing everything moves what looks more interesting for the modern eye.

Of course my view of my world would be in a art eye just pure "post card" photos.
I am aware of that and I never claim to make artistic pictures so also not to be judged by the art people (I hope :).

Maybe it is just all trash...

As we were walking more around.

With nobody around (like a empty city). It happened again.
Jiska's lins felt out.

I holding her oldschool mirror reflex camera.

She fixing the lins.

I wonder if we would be able to find it.

In such big place.

Finally we found some people. Actually kids playing some hockey as they are free today. So the teachers prepared some "fun things" to do.

I never liked such actions I rather avoided them.

Eating ice in a - degree weather is pretty fun.

But as the time flows it was time to put Jiska on the plane back to her home.

And again I only seen

my calm sky...

I am sick

2004-12-19T13:20:00.000+01:00

Yes really I am. And I don't like it. Have to be in bed whole time, head hurts, nose full. Everything from the stupid night shifts. :(
But what happened last day's.
I putted new software on my mobile phone. My intentions were to fix the some problems and I got even more then I wanted. My mobile phone camera photographs with less "noise". So my pictures look little bit better now.
After the upgrading of software I went with my brother to some restaurant. It was not easy to find one as it was 8:00 in the morning and we were not in the centre of the city.

We found the only one open in a market place. So we knew that it won't be a 1st class restaurant. And it wasn't. :)
Since my brother is a vegetarian we chosen the only "ok meal" from the menu - Fish.
After we chosen it we were remarked that it won't be fresh. (nice...)
But as I just had my night shift and felt like my brain is already in Alfa dream mode I didn't taste anything. I was thinking of the restaurant as a dream not real.
Then I went home by bus because the roads were too icy for my brother to go with me by car.

After this I came home and slept about 2 hours. (That is even too less for me)
As I went to work everything is other.

Yes it was snowing. "Jupiii", yes I ment it like sarcasm.

I don't like snow.

Don't get me wrong I like it when it is on a picture or outside and I am in my bed by a nice fire or some heat.

Then in work putted in my self some red bull because I was totally sleepy.
After that I was full with energy.

......

Last day's I didn't do much. As I became ill. :(
The only thing I see is my bed my view out of the window and the view of my toilet.

What is actually nice :).

Ow and I just applied for a job in Holland. Wish me luck.

2004-12-15T13:42:00.000+01:00

Night shift...
As I found out they won't let me go on day shifts. They just tell that they don't have people.
And I have to do another one.
Another of those hard night shifts.
Hearth hurts even head now.
I had no rest for a pretty long time.
Eyes are getting big...

The cola bottle is almost empty.
Like my morale to work for this company.
I really like the job but the leading of it took all morale away from me.

I will search for a better job. Even when I am not happy about it.

I want to sleep but I can't. Too much thought's about future work and life.

I forgot my life.
Save me, what else should we do now ?
I still miss you.
And I save you, what else should we do now ?

2004-12-13T21:36:00.000+01:00

When I feel alone and sad I often do pictures.
Like the one what is on the top of the page. (of course I don't claim actually making all parts of the picture).

Hope someone likes it and cheers me up.....

Weird morning

2004-12-13T15:45:00.000+01:00

I woke up and I heard him. The majestic scream.
Ravens in front of my window. Screaming and looking.

Yes it was time...
Time for me to do what I should do long time ago.
The time has come to delete my past.
The people what hurted me.

They should burn.

Lies what have been told for more then 8 year's.

"I understand you. I wish you luck."

Sure. Why did you torture me for so long then ?

"You are a nice guy."

"I will never forget the time with you."

Really ?...

"I think we were really big friend's."

"I will never forget you... Write me !!"

"See you soon."

They lied ! Lies lies !! I hate them for everything what they did to me.
For every day what I had to be with them for 8 year's.
Those 30 people who made a psychical wrack from me.
I hate you so much for every nightmare I get.
Burn!

It is done...

2004-12-11T20:03:00.000+01:00

Today again no photos. Why ? I was too lazy to turn off internet and photograph some thing with my mobile. Sorry people. :)
Some news ? My grandmother is operated on her hip as she probably broke it :(.
Really painful and probably really hard to make it whole again...

For other news. I found out that I would be a huge guy in Asian country's ;).

Hmm late today my mom came with the idea to cut her hair and make another color on it.
As I am sometimes pretty freaky and so on I also agreed.
But as I felt in panic to have blond hair I stopped with it sooner then her.
But I cuted my hair as every 2 times in year. Now it is about my shoulder size and growing ! So no need to worry who liked them. I will surely make a picture.
(If I won't find my self too bad).

2004-12-10T19:00:00.000+01:00

Do you know when you fly around and then you just drop ?
Fall down on ground with your face in to the rocks. That is how I feel now.
I really had a nice day. I can tell really nice.
First making a "movie watching marathon". Watching films what I had on disk and never seen them. Then talking on the net, with a nice person.
Everything just fine or even better.
As I am sometimes home by parents like today. Wanted to make a nice evening.
We made fire in the fireplace. Chilling.
Then my grandfather comes that grandmother felt from the stairs.
(Grandparents live next to my parents).
As you probably know even small falling are bad for old people.
She is now a late 70 lady. So that is pretty bad for her. :(

It won't be probably a nice day afterall...

Chaos day

2004-12-09T20:15:00.000+01:00

I didn't sleep good, as usual...
I feel like I am in another time zone like I should sleep other time.
I have bad dreams about how people will suffer and so on. That is really not nice :(.
The nice thing what I was happy about was the morning sky.
Really special today.

Such blue clouds more blue then usual.

Btw this is the view what you can see from my window. It is pretty nice compared to the big city. And more silent.

Later on when I finished staring in the sky I found out that my eye is infected.
Not the nice way of red eyes but my outer skin (sorry don't know the word for it).
So to tell it short I look like someone gave me a hit in to the eye.
For no puking policy on this site I wont photograph it :).
I have problem's with this eye since I was 13. The only thing what helps is Ophthalmo Framicoin but only the doctor can prescribe it to me because it is pretty strong.
But I don't have my doctor around so I use the worse solution Ophthalmo Septonex.
Being ill almost every day when I was young kept some medicine skills by me but don't worry I am not a medicine junkie what takes medicines every time head hurts.
I just know what to take in special problem's what I only have. So usually I don't take any only fruit. :)

Speaking of fruit I am getting hungry.
If you came till here in my blog I found out that I have some invitation's left on my gmail. Feel free to mail me something really nice and you get one :).

2004-12-08T20:11:00.000+01:00

Empty day. That is all what I can say about today.
I was reading books making fire downstairs so I get little bit warmer.
I still remember the day's when I was living in my home town.
At this time there was about 20 cm snow everywhere, cold, dark...
I somehow miss it but of course I don't like such weather. When your face freezes in some minutes.
Here it is more windy but more hot.

No snow around for loong time. Probably not till January or even February.

...
I was whole day laying on my bed waiting for something to happen but nothing.

So it was. Really calm and boring day...

2004-12-07T19:13:00.000+01:00

After the morning I went to my brother. To get some DVD's and download some things. As I don't have a fast net at home. I still connect with a mobile phone. (Yes it looks cool but it is slow like hell).

I went home with a bus that I never went before.
The "after work bus". Full of people who are just going home.
Some of them silent and tired. Some of them just talking.
Like these two girls.

They just talked how to get to a festival like it is the main thing in their life.
I know the days when I also thought so.
But I growth up from them fast. (Maybe too fast)

I was suddenly bumped from right side. And what do I see ?

A girl so tired from work/school that she felt asleep.
Is the life of the new generation so hard ?
Do they have power to be strong.

Maybe not. But who cares about someone else anyway ?

I do...

2004-12-07T10:28:00.000+01:00

What is the power of the managers ? What is the evil source helping them to go further and further ? Yes I am again feeling down. I did not make anything up nothing. He didnt had time. He was busy. And I was not his priority again and again and again. I hate it. I am sitting now in one shopping center waiting for my brother as I met him outside my work. He is making some talkings with a company. That were times when I worked with him. What I hear now is only santa claus is coming to town, stupid music in shopping centers. I will finish my blog when I come home.

What ? I mean what ?

2004-12-06T22:19:00.000+01:00

Situation:
final day shift. People are tired.
People are just thinking about going home and sleep.
That is of course what I wanted also.
But something will be other as I already knew.
You just feel it.
I was all like from another film. You know when all people around are happy.
But you are watching a war film or a film with high business so you know that when everybody is happy something bad happens. You just start to feel it.

Then I heard it like BAM - really BAM.
And again BAM.
I was like what ?
Then I look outside.

beautiful

Romantic.

But then like in the movie what I mentioned the time has come.
And the moving of all people go slower and slower.
You just see how they almost don't move.

Then it comes you turn around and your whole life is mixed up.
To me straight and tell what is the point.

There was a offer to go to a application's team or to make the trainer for the team what I am in now.
Yes I know I should take the trainer.
But the trainer is the same money as the other team so it is probably from this side worse then the trainer.
But to have in the cv - trainer. That is something of course.
I really don't know. I will go tomorrow to the work again and will have to talk it over with the managers.

And I wanted to sleep long tomorrow :(.
I really don't like to make such decisions and so fast.
I really don't like it...

I am really mixed up and even a little bit sad...

Oh what a day

2004-12-05T20:57:00.000+01:00

Probably most people think now that what a bad day I had.
It is not true :).
I am pretty happy about this day. Actually having less workload then usual.
So I am less stressed. So I am more happy :).
But as usual it has also some negative sides.
I was feeling sometimes like standing and not moving.

Or standing and just feel that everything other moves around you.
Like on a zebra in Hong Kong when you are slower then others.
You just see everything going fast around you.

But what was so special today ?
I really don't know.
It was a day what you like to remember in the future like a perfect natural day.
Nothing special good or bad.
Just a "day" in his whole glory.

Shift almost ending I go home.
I don't expect anything.
But then I see a face what I know pretty well since some time.

Yes it is him.
It is the NT colleague from down the hall. As I find out later he lives in the same village !

I got a weird feeling from it as I didn't know if for more then 5 months that I work in the company.

But we took it both sportly and just talked the way home in the bus.

2004-12-04T23:15:00.000+01:00

Just a minor page look change. As I don't want it to be complex or even more nice but want to make it about the inside - like it should be in life.

Hope someone understands...

Lunch ? No thanks

2004-12-04T21:02:00.000+01:00

This day I would define as a calm day in the company.
There was almost nothing to do and it was pretty relaxed. But yet I felt like in a prison.

I don't know why as everything was so nice and fine.
Later on how the work was getting more harder again the voices of revolution came.
This time from other team.
To create a group of people to talk to the managers that we can't work under such bad conditions.
As it seems big company's like where I work in can ignore people until they don't join a bigger group of people. Then they are scared of bad publicity.
Would someone know about the big strike in France ? Don't think so.
All they told to us that there is a "public holiday"... Managers...
But first time at work I felt like I am not in work that I am working in a safe place like at home. I didn't even had a taste for a lunch brake. That does not happen so often.
Maybe feeling safe came with the feeling of a prison...

Surfing the net I found that many more people read my blog. And that made me happy.
People who don't know me who just came a looked and told "Yes this is nice".
Gives me a warm feeling in my hearth. Thanks people!

18:59 - Finishing work.
And again seeing a sign of a prison.

This could be just something maybe telling me if I stay here I definitely stay longer then I want. In this populated city where everything is full around.
But yet you can find a empty piece of free land.

And just a note to a other persons blog who interested me:
I really don't know what Ewan ko ba sa mga kabataan ngayon means but I like the sound of it. :)

2004-12-03T21:00:00.000+01:00

What a night.
I was trying to set up a new design to the page.
As you see I was not successful. Still had some problems with adding comments.
I actually don't want to make a whole new theme so I just took one and trying to reconfiguring it. It is a long time since I seen html code....
So the only thing what doesn't work is comments and I want to make a nice pic on the top.
After this endless trip leading nowhere I realized I have to go to sleep.
I actually never came to deep sleep status so it was a long night.
But when I woke up I realized another 12 hour day shift...
The other thing about day shift is you have to wear neat clothes:

Second thing is that you are in the middle of people. Everybody talking and so on...
Today I was again confronted with the stupidity of other shifts.
A guy let a database down for whole night with the explanation it should go to the backup team. I was like what the ...
When I was explaining it to him that it has nothing to do with backup he just:
So who are you who wants to learn me.
Ok realized he doesn't want to learn just to be...
But there is a new guy who wants to learn in his team. I decided to make a oracle cookbook for such people who want to learn but can't. I will be hard but I will do it.

Another thing they want to cut our money "again".
But a old boss of me sanded to us a offering for the whole team in another country.
It is right next only 1:30 traveling. So we will see.

I feel to be lucky.

2004-12-02T18:23:00.000+01:00

Floating floating that is the only way to describe the day.
I really did nothing.
Lay in bed think about the future and just float the time.

I don't know why I feel so powerless today.
Maybe it is because of the business stress but I really don't know.

But actually something nice happened. When I was making lunch (yes I know how to cook) I spotted something white before the door on my terass. Yes it was the cat.
The cat what comes once a while to my door and sleeps there.
I never let her in because she is a street cat. And I actually don't want a pet.
So feel comfortable with the relationship we have. She comes gets some food.
That is all :).

Tomorrow I go again on my day shift but not the dream day shift but a 12 hour torture shift.

I was also looking today on the statistic of my blog.
No people around just silence..... :(

2004-12-01T10:39:00.000+01:00

Ah what a shame what a stress.

I was on my first day shift. But of course the evil manager is here !!!
First he tells: I won't let you go on day shifts.

Ok I say fuck it I quit. I don't want to ruin my health on stupid night shifts.
But then he tells ok I will try my best to get you on day shifts.

Then they putted a young guy on my neck to train him because the trainer is ill.
Yeah it is nice but of course I didn't know it before so nothing prepared :(.

Later on the manager tells I won't let you on the day shifts now.
And I ask of course when ?
When we will train the new guy to your position. And you will be on night shifts.
There you can train the guy. After it you can be on day shifts.

So of course night shifs here I come.
I hate it I hate it.

But you gotha do what you gotha do.
Home sweet home don't be bad on me. Please at least not you...

2004-11-30T22:09:00.000+01:00

I was playing with some thing later today and hope now posting from my mobile will go. Dont even know how it will look like just testing. Getting tired i will probably go to sleep now to be ready for my big day tomorrow. First day shift here i come !!!

Finally

2004-11-30T15:15:00.000+01:00

Finally I slept good. Slept like a baby even had some dreams about some plane crashes.
But that is not so important.
I will be going tomorrow to my first dayshift.
Ah I just wish everything goes well as I think.
I felt pretty sad this night shift. Finally ending but I miss the team.
Of course I see them on day shifts some times but it won't be the same as the first days. When we started the strongest team from all. Did our work the best and we were the best. But now we are only one breaking down team.
I go away pavol is trainer, stanley heh what a guy he goes away, daniel the young guy he will be going back to school, martin he surely won't stay long for such money, patrik he will be going away since he has been almost one year here, kristina our team captain she will probably do the same as patrik.
The only thing I can say is so long elite force so long elite team so long shift C.

We were the best and are the best...

Light

2004-11-29T15:07:00.000+01:00

Ah what a night shift. There are 2 things about night shifts:
it is awfully when you have work because you feel so tired but it is awful when you don't have work, because you feel more tired in the night and want to sleep.
That was of course my case this night.
As usual standing by my busstop for 5 minutes to wait for the bus.

Why is it so dark ? I hate to go to work in dark and come home in dark.

And then in work a shock.
My hmm somehow boss told that it is not so easy to go over to day shifts.
That he didn't know about that I want to go there.
I was somehow suspicious as he knew about it and my mom is a manager so know such things.
So he definitely wanted something from me. Some promise for something he doesn't have people.
And of course as I agreed to work on the customer machines (not intern)
he suddenly started to talk that he will talk with the main manager and he will see.

I hate managers. I just hate them. Especially this one.
Acting to me like I am nothing just a small someone.
Grr

But as the night passed I mainly started to sleep or so.
My hearth started to hurt again. Really a winning having a bad hard and I am not even 20.

When I went home I seen some crows on the bus stop.

Of course you don't see them here but I seen them.
And I like them - corvus corax the animal has something.
They are birds but yet something other somehow strong.

But time to go home to sleep. And come back as today my last night shift comes.
I hope

Back from shift

2004-11-28T13:44:00.000+01:00

Finally woke up from last night shift.
It was hard as usual. 12 hours shifts and in night are really hard for my body.
It was as usual:
Going to the city

seeing the lights of the city what I always admired. They beauty.
But that was a dream from my childhood. Now it seems so dirty, so full.
It seems like a scene from a American hero movie.
Where the hero catches a big criminal and goes to the suburbs of the city.
Where the people who are not rich have to go to the industry and
don't even know what happens around them.

So full and yet so empty.

And there it goes again around me another blur light outside.
I cant see what it is because of the water on the windows,
from the breath of the humans around.

Probably you ask: Who is that guy ?
I am just a young boy. Some call us JUPI.
Yes that is me another from that sort.
I work in one of the biggest industry's in the world,
and yet I feel like that if I would leave the company it would go down.
Yes pretty egoistic and I know it isn't true but it is a good feeling.

As my country joined the economy alliance we are now one of the most developing country's.
All company's come here and take tell us how great we are and just saving money.
We are the slaves of the new century.
Got the wisdom to be a top employee but a nationality to be a slave worker.

3:00 am. It is calm here. Everybody silent listening to music.
Nothing nothing around.

everybody in their chairs and cornered in the boxes of the new openspace model of workspace from USA.
Where everything good comes from.
And they don't even know that the guys who make everything work are from a cheap country trying to save money for their living.

Today again I go to the night shift...
But I got hope I am quitting night shifts this week.
Finally I will feel healthy and can relax under the sky.

My first post

2004-11-27T16:15:00.000+01:00

Probably not original at all. Probably again not original at all. But this is my first post. Nothing but me here. My everyday thoughts fears pain maybe happiness.

And then the world stood still and there was a calm sky.